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When I look at my life, I look at it from different perspectives. I am so many things and have my fingers in so many pies, that even I find it difficult to keep up.
My whole life has been about over-thinking, and today I received even more proof. I filled in one of those psychological profiles "KAI Response Sheet" and passed it to the "professor" who told me I had to do it again. It apparently isn't accurate and I have over thought things. I can't disagree. I'm not sure how I was meant to look at the questions, but in fairness to me, I don't know what that outcome actually was. I'm still waiting on the jury.
When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you actually see? I tried this this morning. I stared eerily at the mirror for about 5 minutes, or at least it felt like that long. I thought about what I saw coming back at me and it was kind of like flash backing through a bunch of slides; blonde, early forties, lean, a line here and there - all physical attributes. Then looking deeper I saw something different; someone conflicted, almost in pain, but at the same time experiencing extreme happiness.
Don't get me wrong. I am comfortable in my own skin. I am from all accounts happy with the person that I turned out to be and I give much of that credit to good parenting, and making the right choices. It helps to know right from wrong. I learned that early on in life. It also helps to care about others, and I do so deeply.
But this conflict is about life choices. So many things have happened in the past 24 hours I am completely out of my depth.
- I have had two offers to buy my business - which raises very important questions (staff - don't worry!)
- I am in New York, my favourite city in the world - there is nothing that this city doesn't have to offer
- I'm experiencing something personally that brings me great joy, and I never thought I would experience it quite like I am
- I am riddled with fear of failure and that is a good and bad thing - but it is for a pet project
- I am behind in a deadline - there is no excuses for that and it isn't my thing to be behind
- I have deadlines - that sucks - who wants that constraint
- I am staying in a beautiful hotel that I appreciate and can see the effort others have made around me
- I wrote two cards to two people who are very special in my world, straight from the heart
- I dined at the best restaurant I have ever eaten at in New York: Jean Georges with one of my favourite people
- I looked someone in the eye and could see through their eyes their conflicts, which somehow caused me pain (clearly I am a feelings person and care about the people around me)
- My team at Marketing Eye are killing it - and everything seems to be going to plan
- There are so many opportunities across so many areas of my business life it is crazy
- I am building a house, by myself. That is terrifying, exciting and is bringing out so many fabulous things about my personality and character.
Then on top of that I had a sequenced nightmare, and in the last sequence a big wave was about to land on me (I was in the water) and cause me to drown. So, like any confused person who has woken up completely scrambled and disillusioned, I googled it. What does this dream mean? The basic consensus over a number of websites was that it was a symbol of emotions welling up and getting a little out of control. They apparently appear in our lives when we are under a lot of pressure or when significant change is occurring. They may be an indication that we feel overwhelmed, fearing that we can't cope or adjust with what we see in our own future.
When you read the above list of things going on, I really think this nightmare has meaning to my life and I can see the synergy.
With that in mind, it made me think. Who am I?
I'm going to answer this the best way I know how by digging deep. I am in love with being in love, with anything from my dog through to a beautiful piece of art and the people around me. I am incredibly passionate, but often I try to hide this, and I am not sure why I do that. I think way too much and wish I could turn that off more often. I feel pain longer than I should. I savour in happiness, and some days you would not be able to take the smile off my face. I literally go home with sore cheeks from smiling too much. I care, more than I should about more things than I should, but mostly I care about the world we live in and every single person who lives here with me. There is nothing better than a deep conversation. Light conversations bore me and I find that they don't add value to my life. I love business and to go to work every day is a privilege that I completely respect. People disappoint me through their actions, but I always forgive. There is no point in carrying that burden around. I like change, yet I like to have the things that are familiar to me around me. I like the good things in life, and the simple things in life. I could live simply or with a lot of fuss, and would fit in. I care not so much about politics but what politics does to the world and the underprivileged. I don't mind paying tax, if it means a poor kid can go to school. I seek adventure everywhere I go. I play by the rules no matter what and that means no speeding or doing the wrong thing. I have really good people around me that have my back. I have an amazing family. I believe in doing the right thing, but sometimes you have to go about this in different ways that may appear selfish or self-centred but is for the greater good. My mind and body is active. I am me, and every single complex thing about me deserves to be where it is, and constantly, relentlessly improved upon.
